14 questions you’re tired of hearing if you don’t like tea - Uju Ayalogu's Blog for News, Reviews, Articles and More

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Monday 2 November 2015

14 questions you’re tired of hearing if you don’t like tea

14 questions you'll be asked if you don't like tea

To admit that you don’t like tea in Britain is akin to committing a crime – and yet it’s a trial that many of us face every day.

All we want is some peace and quiet to enjoy our non-tea based drinks, but no doubt you’ll have experienced some, or all, of the below questions when admitting that you’d rather not have a cuppa, thanks.

1. Aren’t you having tea?

No, thanks. I… I don’t like tea (insert break for long, tense pause)

2. You don’t like it, like, at all?

Nope. It tastes like hot, milky must.

3. Really?!

Yes, really. Why would I lie about this? It’s made me a social pariah.

4. How do you even function in the mornings?

The same way you did before you became a tea leaf-guzzling addict. I open my eyes and then pray for the day to end, just like everyone else.

5. What do you drink when you have afternoon tea?

If you’re buying a fancy afternoon tea for someone as a present or a treat and you’re not having something bubbly and alcoholic, you’re doing it wrong.

More importantly – why is this a common question? Nobody has afternoon tea anymore. Let’s stop pretending that Britain is actually like Downton Abbey.

6. But what do you drink?

Literally any other liquid drink that is not tea. Water, coffee, squash, hot chocolate, diet coke, juice… Just imagine you’re in another country that doesn’t appreciate tea and pick a drink.

7. What do you dip your biscuits in?

8. Do you not find it refreshing?

Here is where tea and non-tea drinkers will always differ. A hot drink cannot be refreshing on a hot day. Don’t come at me with that pseudo logic.

9. Are you even British?

I do regret feeling like a national traitor. Every time a I turn down a cup of tea, I’m certain that one of the Queen’s corgis cries.

10. Did you know, if you drink X-many cups of tea, you start to like it?

Why would I gorge myself on something I don’t like? Am I some kind of masochist in the pursuit of tea fandom? There is no logic or reason in this mad, mad theory.

11. Do you think you’ll grow into it?

Maybe. Maybe not. Given it’s been several decades of life on earth and not liking tea, I feel it’s unlikely.

If it’ll get you off my back, let’s all keep our fingers crossed that I mutate like an X Men whose ability is enjoying leaf-tinted hot water.

12. Do you not have any mugs?

Of course I do. Everyone loves a good mug. I just save mine for Cup-a-soups.

13. Are you sure I can’t make you a cup of tea?

I just want my nice glass of squash. Why do you act like this is more effort to make? It’s much easier to make. AND, bonus, it means I won’t have to sip a drink that leaves my taste buds sad and yearning for flavour.

14. Can you make me a cup of tea?

No, oh, god, no. Please never ask me this question. I will get it wrong. I just don’t know how to do it, everyone who likes tea has their own unique preferences*, and I don’t know if ‘stewed’ is a good or bad adjective.

I promise you, we’ll both be happier if you make it for yourself.

*If tea is such a great drink, how come nobody takes it the same way? Or can agree on how to make it? This would never happen with a nice safe drink like hot chocolate.

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